Things I have learned in my xx number of years

The remote is mine and so is the T.V.

It's ok for me to drink as much as I want as long as I take the garbage out.

Wearing nothing but boxer shorts around the house is acceptable attire. Heck, you can do it too if you want. I'll be ok with that. I promise.

If I get drunk and decide to cook, you should probably be drunk before you eat any of it.

There is no need to call the fire department if I start a small kitchen fire. I can put them out on my own. I have lots of experience.

I am only watching Oprah with you because I am paying penance for something I shouldn't have done.

Even thinking about renting a movie like Brokeback Mountain is grounds for divorce.

If another girl tries to pick you up so we can have a 3-some, I will be OK with that. Actually, I will expect you to accept the invitation.

Don't cut your hair. I like to fantasize about tying you up with it.

If you go to the kitchen you should bring me another beer, even if I just got one.

It is OK for me to pee in the back yard.

Just because you own a cat does not mean that it will ever be my responsibility to clean the litter box.

I never look at your friends boobs/butt. Really. I promise.

Never ask me how many girls I have been with in the past. You will either not like the answer or you will not believe me. Besides, I lost count 20 years ago.

I don't care how many guys you have been with in the past. Don't tell me because I won't believe you.

It's OK if I like my car/truck.

Of course I listen to you. You are only able to remember more of what I said because I rarely get a chance to speak.

If you want me to remember to do something, write it down.

Yes I will pick up "your things" at the store. But you have to be very specific. Just because I have walked by them before or have seen them in the house doesn't mean I know anything about what you need.

I work overtime because the job requires it. Not because I would rather be around a bunch of sweaty guys instead of you.

Just because I don't want to talk for 4 hours on the phone doesn't mean I don't love you.

I snore.

Your jaw pops.

We both talk in our sleep.

I have enough shoes.

Only I am allowed to get rid of my clothes.

We don't need that. I am pretty sure we have ten of those at home already.